This text (interview) was published in "Macedonian Global Magazine" - Summer Issue, July 2016
https://issuu.com/macedoniaglobalmagazine/docs/macedoniaglobalmagazine_summerissue/26
Below is the entire text of the interview
When I think of the past, I see how every event and action played and had their own reason for why it happened. Yes, it is true that I was growing up without a parental love. I did not have it in full amount as I was supposed to and yet, I've learned to love. There wasn't a family environment where I could have what each child would need at that certain age of life. I do not believe in destiny. If destiny existed, then why would I need to live? If the destiny was to create my life, should I have had a hope for things in life? No, I would've been hopeless. Do you see in what direction people who believe in destiny are being led?
What people are being agonized about nowadays?
- “Endless are the tribulations of people,” one holy elder has said. “There is a universal collapse of entire families, adults, and children. My heart bleeds every day. Many homes are full of tragedies, uncertainty, and stress. Only in those families in which the godly life prevails, people are well and happy. While the rest, some divorother ther ones are in debts, third ones are ill, others are unhappy… More or less, all of those people are being agonized by one and the same problem.”
I believe in the will of God. In those years, when I was young, I could not see it, neither I was adult enough to oversee what was going on, but I have to say God unceasingly was by my side and was protecting me. Only today I know the meaning of the following words that our ancestors have said: “You will survive without father and mother, but absolutely not without God.” My mouth speaks these words out of fullness of my heart. Some people think this world is too broken to be fixed. No, that is not true. If we break it, we break it on individual level and that is why we always begin from ourselves, not from others around you. Change yourself first – that's the starting point!
There is another saying that says, “Your home place is not where your house is, but where the warmth is.” My parents got divorced when I was very little. I do remember some details. In our region where I was born people would say someone has done black magic and that's why the entire family is being destroyed. People are preoccupied with these things, and as a result they come up with these conclusions. However, I do not want to go far with this. I will continue on where I started.
I have not had the opportunity to experience a regular family life. I was growing up without mother because my parents divorced. During my early childhood years and I lived alone with my father. Although God gave me a younger brother, but we did not have the opportunity to spend our childhood together. I infinitely missed my mother's love, but that’s how it was meant to be. There is a reason behind everything that happens, and only God knows why such things are allowed to happen. I do not blame her for she wasn't the reason for the divorce. However, growing up without mother's love is not simple. Especially while we are still children, we all need that maternal love. We need a mother to be beside us, to hug us and to tell us how much she loves us. Nothing in this world could ever replace motherly love.
I lived in the orphanage of “October 11” in Skopje, Macedonia. Beginning to live in the orphanage for me was a new phase of my life and personal growth. From that moment on, all the children there became my brothers and sisters. There I learned that all children need to support each other through good and bad. I have learned that to be in a “Big Happy Family,” I do not necessary need earthly treasures; the happiness of family is the treasure found in the heart and in our character. “The most successful” man alive, blinded by his wealth, could at the same time be spiritually dead.
The years spent in the orphanage were not easy for me, but I call them “my sweet years” because that was really the time that as a kid, I was rejoicing over everything and I wanted to share everything with everyone around me. God provided for all of us! My life experience taught me to appreciate what life has given me, and for who I am today. I always thank God for everything that is happening, for the good and for the bad things. I like to rejoice, smile, and sometimes ask my fellows what life would be without smiles and gratitudes. People often tell me that I'm always smiling, thank God. In my life, I like to travel, to see new places and meet new people, especially serve God and be with people, which is something that makes me happy. I think it is really important to have a gift of making true and faithful friends, to have a charm and grace in conversation. I grew up in orphanage and I think as a result of it, I became extravert. I am so thankful to God for that opportunity.
I studied Theology since I was at age fourteen. I decided to take this step in my life because I love God, I like to serve Him and people. This is something that makes me happy. I remember when I was 12 years old, I came to the orphanage and the next day, I wanted to go to see the “Big Church,” which is what I called the Cathedral church of St. Clement of Ohrid. From that time on, I began to grow up in the Church. From my childhood I have understood that being in the Church and living a spiritual life will be very important for me. And indeed the time shows me that staying outside of the wings of the Church would be very difficult for me. Attending the church services every Sunday I met the head of Macedonian Orthodox Church, Archbishop Stefan, who became a big supporter of mine and as my father by spirit. I love him so much. God knows that. Likewise, I must tell you that being in the church from an early age is crucial for our growth. Why? I will illustrate this to you as I have in many times told my friends the same: It's a fact that we all have temptations or what the world calls today “depression.” I don't like using this word, and I never let myself be depressed. When the “bad periods” (or the temptations) strike a person who does not have knowledge of God nor lives their life in Christ, the same one does not see that “bad period” as a temptation and as a part of their life and growth and becomes upset, fights with others around. With one word, the person takes it as a “disaster” in his life, and in many cases they take the wrong path in their lives. However, for the person who lives life in Christ and attends church services, when that one gets struck by the temptation, he/she would know where it comes from and with patience, humility and prayer will overcome it. I know this is very true because I've been through it and today I see it this in the world. It is very important to teach the young ones on these norms and by the parents' example to plant in them the seed of the faith and let God water it.
St. John Chrysostom, a great Father of the Orthodox Church, advises the following: “Fathers and mothers: go and lead your child by the hand into the church.”
It was the same in the orphanage. There we had almost everything, but we did not really have someone who would care about us as real parents, so in a way we were left on ourself regarding the decisions we make and the actions we did. It was very easy for us to take the wrong path. Unfortunately, some did.
After I graduated high school Seminary in Skopje, I came to New York for Seminary college. I really never hoped that one day I would end up studying in the USA, as I never had a strong desire for it. Yet when I came here, I turned a new page of my life.
When an individual enters a strange culture, or a foreign country, he feels like a fish out of water. So was I. I was a stranger in a foreign land with foreign people, but we had something in common. It was God, the Church, the faith. I was the one of a few, if I am not mistaken, in the history of Holy Trinity Orthodox Seminary who came here without speaking English. When I was in my first year, barely speaking English, I said to myself, “Will I ever make it to fifth year and graduate?” But, thank God, I graduated on May 24th, 2014.
My life taught me to fight bravely and not to be afraid of uncertanties. Consequently, this is how I got on the plane from Skopje, flew to New York City, and then came to Jordanville. While I was on the bus to Syracuse, where Fr. Branko, a lovely Macedonian priest, met me and then brought me to Jordanville, an undescribable feeling passed my body.
Honestly, I still do not know how I survived the first year. When I was at the American Embassy in Skopje for interview for a visa, at first I was rejected with an explanation that I do not speak English. Let me go a little bit back in my past and tell you something else. I had been studying English in high school Seminary, but it just did not work for me. However, once I said to myself, “Stoyan, you are silly for English, you will never learn how to speak English,” I accepted these thoughts as a reality and lived without having interest in learning the language. But God provides for all of us. I have never hoped, nor planned that one day I would come to the United States, study in a school where everything is in English. Wondrous are the ways of God! This is my beginning here, or as I prefer to call, my adolescent, from one step of my life into another.
When I came here, I did not expect life to flow with milk and honey. I was aware that I would have to encounter temptations. Now I recall my first contact with my confessor and abbot, Fr. Luke. One day, at the end of August, 2010, I was coming back from the cemetery and Fr. Luke passed with his car. He stopped on the road, gave me an apple and pear, and smiled to me. He probably knew I did not speak English, so there was no need to talk much. His fatherly gesture stayed in my heart up until this moment. On our first students' meeting with him, he told us from all temptations we must be sober, the greatest one: the devil of gossip and whispering. I have kept his words in my mind, and as years have passed by it showed that indeed there were so many such temptations.
The Holy Trinity Orthodox Seminary definitely differs very much from others because it is within the monastery, and we lived a rather monastic life. Not everyone could adjust to such a life. It's difficult, but blessed. I loved it. Before I came here, I had a bit of fear, but knowing the fact that I am going to be in a monastery encouraged me. I knew that if I have temptations, I can always go to the church, cry, beseeching God to help me, and I can talk to the Abbot for advices.
In the Seminary and Monastery I learned a lot. Although I was like a child at first, I learned to humble myself and ask for forgiveness. For example, when I was scolded, I used to get angry; but as I was growing through the years, I started realizing that I was scolded out of love. I reacted in such a way because I was prideful, selfish, egoistic. But from now on, I still may become prideful, selfish, egoistical, but at least by living and struggling in the seminary and the monastery, I've learned how to fight against these passions. In the Seminary, I was not only studying, but I was spiritually growing up under the spiritual guidance of Fr. Luke. Many times when he would see me, instead of asking me “How are you doing?” he would say “как спасаешсја?” - how do you struggle? That was very sweet to hear it. At the end of my last year, when I was working on my thesis, one of the fathers that I was interviewing told me the following:
“Take what you are given now, feed on what you have. Will you be able to come back here? What you receive here, who knows if you will receive it in other places? I see this place, and yes, it’s not the same as it was—those people were real ascetics, men of prayer and work—we have that now also, I feel the grace, I receive it at liturgy. It is here. It even grabs me sometimes. But we must live with God, only trust in Him. I believe He takes care of everything. There are hardships, but only with Him everything is taken care of. Don’t lose heart. Look at what the Lord suffered! And He was God! He didn’t give up. He didn’t destroy them all with water or fire! So be strong! It makes you strong, all this work. Let God give this to you. Without God, don’t even leave the House.”
Before I came here to the USA, my Archbishop Stefan and the Father of Macedonian people, on our farewell, told me the following: “Stoyan, the theology is something that you will continue learning for the rest of your life. In Jordanville, pay more attention to learning the languages because they will serve you later in your life.” Well, today I would say: dear Bishop, by your prayers, though I came without speaking English and Russian, today I am able to write and speak English fluently.
Likewise, the biggest spiritual support of mine in the USA is Fr. Luke. As aforementioned, to me he was more than Rector. He was my confessor and spiritual father who gave me so many advices for my life. There were periods when I really had heavy temptations and in many situations I thought I am done. However, when being in such situations, when I went to confession to Fr. Luke, he told me the following: “Whenever the evil one attacks you, come to me immediately. Do not wait!” Moreover, his patrology classes were awesome. You could see him speaking about the Holy Fathers with love. Honestly, I didn't really need to study from the book that was in the syllabas because in every single class I was taking notes from his lectures, and for me it was sufficient to learn and get a sense of every Holy Father we covered.
We all have to remember that nothing is easy in this life. None of us desire to have difficulties, but on the contrary they are profitable for us as they teach us wisdom and faith. I always remind myself that without Golgotha, there is no Resurrection. If our Lord Jesus Christ suffered for us, we also have to suffer and struggle. God never gives us more than we can carry. In many situations we think things are too heavy, but they are not really. We live in a world where we can seemingly do whatever we want, but the freedom that the world promotes today can only lead to collapse. The idea of freedom is the biggest weapon of the evil one that he uses against us. How and why? The very first people, Adam and Eve, were tempted by the same “freedom,” and they did sin. They were told if they ate of the forbidden tree, they would be free; but what happened to them? It was a decision they would regret their entire lives. We have to be very sober and live our lives wisely. When we have God in our lives, we will know to make the right decisions.
When I moved to California, where I currently reside, one monk from Detroit told me the following: “Let me tell you something, that when I was at your age, one monk told me: don't ever open the door of the temptation because once you open it, you will strive whole your life to close it and you will not be able to do it. Keep it closed, and do not open it at all.” By this he meant to tell me when a person gives himself to some passion (temptation), he will want to do it over and over. In life be a warrior, not a worrier.
Recently I was wondering why at times it feels there is something missing in our lives. Now that I have grown up and become an adult, this is what I have seen and I'm still seeing: we are sad because we do not have God in our lives. We say we are bored, but we are bored because we do not have God. We are depressed because we do not have God. Overall, in many situations we have been in and for many of our actions we often blame God. Can we blame Him because our lives are miserable? NO ONE, except ourselves, are guilty for the reality that we want to sit on two chairs at the same time. We have time to do everything in this sinful world, but for Him, we postpone it and think we will have time for that, no rush. I am afraid if the time comes when we cry out, there will be no one to comfort us. God forbid that! Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day. There is always, always something to be grateful for. Before we ask God for anything, we must first thank Him for everything. We human beings forget the ongoing miracle that God still sustains us. May the Lord forgive our stupidity. First and foremost I speak for myself!
I've decided in near future to go back to Macedonia and share with my people the experiences I've gained during the past six years living in the USA. My great desire is to go back, rent an apartment and take three of my godchildren to live with me. I grew up in orphanage, and I know what it means to grow on your own. I don't want to let that happen to them. I want them to have someone behind their backs and to let them know that there is always someone there for them, give them guidance to help establish their future decisions and way of life. At the same time, with God's help I want to establish some kind of organization where I will be supporting the young ones who are without parental care. I met so many people in the USA, and I am hoping with their help I will be able to achieve that.
In order to be loved, you need to love too; and if you want to be revered, you need to respect others too. What would a man be if he does not try to make this world a better place for himself to live in? But to make this world better, one has to begin from within oneself, first improving his character and his behavior towards others. No matter where life takes me, I will always have God as my priority. As long as I have God in my life, I take every challenge that life brings me. Likewise, my second great comfort is the Mother of God, or as I like calling her, Mama, for She indeed is our mother. Next is St. John of Shangai and San Francisco. That was one of the reasons I wanted to stay in California, to be close by St. John, who I so dearly love. Some people might not understand when I talk about my love towards them, but those who are educated in the faith will. Not many of our Macedonians know about St. John and how well known is he in this country and around the globe. Overall, he lived in Macedonia (Bitola) for years.
Out of all the Macedonian churches here in USA, it was a very small Russian parish that opened its doors for me. Father George, who is the priest there, has made me his personal assistant cantor. When I came to Monterey, California, which is only two hours away from San Francisco, in talking to Fr. George I learned he was one of the few priests who opened the grave of this great Saint and attended his glorification ceremony in the year of 1994. I am truly blessed to live here and learn even more about the miracles of St. John. It's a small parish, and I just love being there. With God's help I've started to compose and translate a book about St. John in Macedonian language (an extended one), and I am hoping to finish it in the next few years. Many people back in Macedonia know quite well about him, and I want to educate them more since he lived in Bitola. I want to make clear that we Orthodox Christians do not worship the Saints as we worship God. We worship God, but we venerate or respect the Saints. There is big difference. The Saints, by their struggles, were glorified by God, and we ask them to intercede or pray for us in their closeness to God. So I love St. John, and he indeed has helped me a lot while being in this country.
We have be aware and happy that God gave us the Saints as holy vessels for our comfort and guidance. Many times when I pray to God, I ask Him the following: “I love You so much, and You know that. Many times I make You sad by my mistakes; please forgive me for that. I want to tell You something. I do not know where the future will bring me, but wherever I go or whether I become rich or poor, please do not let me go away from You. I need You in my life! My time is too short to hate, and so long to love. If I would only realize how much You love me, I would leave everything and follow You!”
Remember this: “Love is a language spoken by everyone, but understood only by heart.”
I thank God for He has granted me to love and to be loved!
Indeed I am the happiest man in the world because I have God. I have the One Who “in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.”
Glory be to God for everything!
