Struggles and Blessings

The will of God will not take you where

the grace of God will not protect you.

We are created by the image and likeness of God. He loves us as His own children. We, the humans are weak as the flesh is inclined to do things as it pleases. How can we find the balance with our sins and stay in His love? It seems to me it’s hard. Sometimes I come to the point where I can’t fight anymore, I simply don’t have the strength for it and I fall over and over again. I just don’t see the end. Should I run away from the world? I don’t think that is a solution because I can’t run from my own mind and thoughts. At the same time I feel like I’m taking advantage of God’s love and Mama. One time, I called my bishop and while talking to him, he said to me: “Keep your soul free of the evil of this world.” I missed that train and now I am running in the world trying to catch that same train, but it’s almost impossible. I did not learn to ignore the passing trivia and seize the golden opportunity. That love and grace of God that has been protecting me and continues to protect, I tend to run away of it.

Is it a blessing to be a human? If so, then why it’s so easy to lose the eternal life? Why the weakness of our flesh has to be an obstacle for that eternal life? It’s a blessing to love God, but at the same time I feel like I tend to serve to two masters and that’s not good. If God created us to be His beloved, how can we get through all the obstacles of the flesh? To pray? To fast? To go to church? I do all of it and yet, I fail again when the weakness comes. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose God in my life. That would be the biggest pain I can even taste and experience. Am I theologising or philosophizing now, I don’t know, but I believe when it comes to God, is black or white, just like in math, you are either right or wrong. Is it a blessing to be a human?  When I believe I articulate my faith. At the same time when I sin I also articulate those deeds too. Why is it so? We are focused on wrong things and we choose to do wrong things and stay away from God. That’s who we are, we the fallen us and the fallen me who do not want to get up, but rather stay in the mud. 

Talking as a human, as someone who is weak and full of sins, I do not always know who I am, but I am just figuring it out as I go along in life. I think the best I can do is to reflect on who I was in the past and compare that to who I want to be in the future. After these two - I split the difference and that’s who I am now. To live is truly to change. In a higher world it might be different. But in this world to live is to change and to hope is to change often. If my life has lost its beauty, that is probably because I do not revel in it. I often forget to celebrate the great gift of God. My life should be a celebration after all the gifts I have received from my beloved and sweet Lord. And when I am fearful and hidden, He is searching for me with so much patience and love so that when I will fall He will catch me. These are the things that I see and do not learn my lesson. 

Thinking about all of this and the weakness of my flesh and my sins, the first verse of the Gospel of St. John comes to my mind where it says: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” Christ was the Word Who reveleaved Himself in flesh and yet, He remained God. He broke up Himself into pieces, so I can get a glimpse of who He is. Today, after all my transgressions, disobedience and weaknesses, He continues to unfold to me with His love and long-suffering. Because of Him and through his example, the human spirit can rise above tragedy. Whenever, however, we suffer our own night of sorrow,  God’s love does shine in the darkness. Hope can heal the wounded soul. It is well with my soul! Everything that we see today around us and in ourselves, in the bottom of our heart is not how things always have been. The present tells us about the past or with another words the present is the key of the past. The sequence of events that have taken place in our lives with pure actions made us what we are today or things around us. If the past is the key to the present (Uniformitarianism), then the future is the key of who we should strive to be; to keep the image and the likeness of God.

In one of the Macedonian folk tales is been said that One does not know when, where and how much he will sin, and therefore it is best not to sin. Is it a blessing to be a human? My life should be a celebration after all the gifts I have received from my beloved and sweet Lord. Over the years I have learned that the blessings and the struggles come together. So is it a blessing!